Ok world. Bring. It. On.

Im laying in bed. Just put my journal back to its super secret spot under the bed. I wrote about how much my life is off track, not just a little bit but like full blown train wreck. I have to force myself to leave the house now because I just do NOT want to go out. Im tired of seeing people and having to explain to them why Im not at work. And even worse? My sister is prego and people cant tell us apart half the time…so get who gets to hear “congratulations!” All. The. Time. I want to start answering with “Not.prego, just fat. But thank you food and I are very excited about our love child.” I need to crawl out of this hole. Fast.

I just want to take a second and just have a rage filled rant. I absolutely HATE when you get your hair cut and it is NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE PHOTO YOU PROVIDED. I know its not going to be exact but seriously this hair cut I have isnt terrible but it is NOT me. Its boring, has no layers, no bangs its just straight blah. I look like a 40 year old soccer mom and I am only 23. (no offense moms) But seriously how hard is it to get my hair similar to what I requested? I would have made her redo it but I was on a time restraint. But I just hate hate hate hate hate my hair and everyone I talk to is telling that its looks fine. Yes, it does look fine but its NOT at ALL what I WANTED. 

This is what I wanted: 

Can you see the similarities? Because I cant. Not. Even. Close. 

Its been a while. I havent been blogging because honestly I have nothing but negativity to say. My life is a disaster and getting it back on track has turned out to be most difficult. Im sitting on a bench in the mall right now, waiting for my mom to come out of her boring old lady store, Im talking about you C.J. Banks; and i look up into the reflection of Hot Topic and I see myself. This huge blob that apparently is me. Im disgusting, a pile if lard that should have just stayed inside, hidden. Im so lost and so sad. I dont know what to do

Unemployment will be the death of me. Why cant this be simple?

Everyday I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. And everyday I realize that this is real. This really happened. 

I know people CONSTANTLY complain about how nothing good ever happens to them and they are just meant to be miserable, and yes it gets annoying. But if you seriously knew my life you would say “wow, you really are cursed to be miserable” 

• My Aunt is told she is cancer free….a couple months later shes dead. 
• My Cousin finally gets the fairy tale wedding she deserved….my dad goes into the hostpital 
• My dad gets to come home after 2 brain surgeries….He has a massive stroke THE DAY HE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME HOME. 
• We finally find a Rehab for him to go to….its 3 hours away in a different state. 
• Dad is walking….Insurance runs out and pulls his physical therapy and he losses that ability. 
• After 3 years of endless exams I  finally get my License to practice funeral directing in NYS!….I get fired because they thought I was going to fail said exam and hired another director to bring on board for when I did, I pass…They fire me anyways. 
• I finally have someone helping me along my weight loss journey….I get fired and cant afford it anymore. 

And this is just the last 2 years. 

I really dont know how much more I can bare without completely losing it. Life is unfair and cruel. Plain and simple. You get angry. But what do you do with that anger? You use it as your own personal weapon. Anger is my drive to do better and make good things happen. But I dont know if I have what it takes to truck through this one. 

Monday was pretty rough. Going from extremely excited because I FINALLY got my Funeral Directing license to completely crushed because I was fired. Im not going to go into details because I would just loooooove to rant and rave right about now. 

I thought that I would want to write this long post today but to be honest, I really dont. 

I lost my job today :(

Discipline is the one thing I lack. Its horrible how often I will tell myself “okay, tomorrow we are going to get up, work out with the Kinect, eat right, work out at the gym, and be happy” and then I just do the polar opposite! I am the definition of procrastination so once again, I am standing in my own way. This upcoming week will be dedicated to self motivation. Now I just have to get motivated to find my motivation. Oy.